I work in the Supersecret Intel Reasearch Facility and I'm gonna bring
you the newest technology from there!
At first I want to tell you why I don't have benchmarks or photo's. I
work as a cleaner in those tech labs, so I have the keys to all
supersecret facilities and while dusting off some supersecret plans, I
found out this technology... I unfortunately can't access the
photocopier room so I had to redraw it from memory, but I can assure you
it's highly accurate...

This is a way to connent two processors to your computer, without the
need for a very expensive dual-processor board... You just connect the
second one trough your serial port...

What you will need:
-one pc with an Intel-Inside prosessor inside and a free 9-pin serial
port
-another intel processor
-a thick piece of wire
-9 short thin pieces of wire
-Steel Wool (That's some stuff you use to clean plates with if it can't
be done with other stuff)
-Sticky stuff (glue if you can afford, chewing gum will do)

and for the expansion pack:
-one RAM

How to do it:
At first something about the steel wool: it's better if it's old and
rusty to make it connect better... Some food rests don't matter, and
secondhands are cheaper. Take the steel wool and the thick wire. Use the
sticky stuff to connect it together. At the other end of the thick wire,
use sticky stuff to connect the nine thin wires to it and to the serial
pin. Make sure it connects well. This can be done with a multimeter, but
it is cheaper to connect the pc to your outlet. If you then touch the
steel wool, you will notic the connetion is good because your hair will
have a model like on Dragonball Z. The thick wire will bundle all
signals in both directions in special OneWire(C)TM(R) technologies, so
you won't need too find out to connect which wire to wich one...

Now The Hardest Part:
Connecting the steel wool with the processor: take one piece of used
chewing gum and place it on the "die" of the processor. (this is called
the die because if you can see this side while playing Quake, you will
die). One corner of the processor will have a corner, make sure that the
corner is in the corner or it will not work! Now push the
processor/chewing gum combination into the steel wool, so the steel wool
wil make contact wit *all* pins of the processor...
Now your "Intel Outside" processor is ready.

Now switch on your computer, and it will be al least twice as fast at
nearly no additional Cost!

That sounds Great, and it is... but there's more!
If you have a RAM nearby, then because it has wool it will make
thelepatical contacts wih the steel wool thus adding external RAM to
your computer! If you can see a RAM chewing grass, you can see from it's
sheepish look that it has very deep thoughts and thus must be very wise.
So it must have very much memory and thus your computer will have very
much extra external RAM. (While cleaning, I heard that the Intel Techs
were trying to make the ram also power the computer telepathically by a
bluetooth Grass-power-adaptor. This will make everlasting laptops
available for all sheperds so they can get al their p0rn from the
internet and sheep rape will come to a halt!)

That was it for now, I'm going back to my work to clean out some more
supersecret technologies for you!!!

p.s. I forgot the most important thing!!! To be according to Intels
trade policies or something, you'll havve to write "Intel Outside" next
to the "Intel Inside" logo on your computer or it won't work!!!!.